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Where in the Hell is our Wonder Woman Movie?

wonderwoman

Action blockbusters rule the summer months and this year there have been so many superhero movies.

More than usual, more that aren’t falling flat at the box office.

The Avengers, The Dark Knight Rises and The Amazing Spiderman have all graced our screens with varying degrees of success and acclaim.

For the most part, though, they’ve made a lot of money. People have been flocking to give their money to these pictures, speaking with their hard-earned dollars.

It’s been an impressive summer for superhero movies. Men in tights have been looking like champs. Some serious, testosterone-fueled action movies.

But where are the women in tights? Or muscle-sculpted supersuits

There is a Certain Female Superhero

Yes, The Avengers had Black Widow and The Dark Knight Rises reprised Catwoman, but they weren’t front and centre.

No one put their names in the title of the movie. They were small players in a larger picture, without the lines or plot importance to carry the whole movie.

There is a certain female superhero though, one who is ripe for a starring vehicle on the big screen.

She’s been around for over 70 years, is one of the most iconic and popular characters in the world of comics and is also really awesome.

Why in the hell of all that is entertaining does Hollywood not have a Wonder Woman movie to show for their super CGI, superhero efforts?

Ignorance. Foolishness. Misogyny.

A lot of reasons. Ignorance, foolishness, misogyny. All things to breed a general disappointment.

We deserve it. Women deserve it. The movie-going public deserves it.

There’s been nothing since Lynda Carter’s turn as the Amazonian Princess/Diana Prince. And Wonder Woman is older than Spider-Man.

She’s been around longer, has paid her superhero dues, has had to wear any number of adorable, absurd and ass-kicking costumes.

Isn’t it time for her to get in that invisible plane and lasso some damn truth out of the universe?

She could start with a few movie executives.

Bondage lie-detector their asses into giving some semblance of a truthful reason as to why it’s taken so damn long to turn this beloved and rich character into a viable franchise.

Not the Wonder Woman we Were Looking For

All they see is money and there’s little difference between making money off of Wonder Woman than there is from raking in coin off of that Batman dude and his fancy cars and Michael Caine.

A year ago all the buzz was around NBC’s David E. Kelley reboot of Wonder Woman starring Adrienne Palicki.

They created a completely boobalicious PVC eagle corset that was beyond ridiculous, slapped some American Apparel pants on her and wrote some stuff and filmed a pilot.

It didn’t make it to air, which is probably for the best.

No disrespect to Ms. Palicki, who would have made an outstanding Wonder Woman, but this was not the Wonder Woman we were looking for.

In June of this year there was talk that Warner Bros. was quietly working on building a film around Diana Prince and her truth-seeking alter ego, with a script by the screenwriter who wrote The Green Lantern, which was not awesome.

It enraged a lot of Green Lantern fans. That is not cool.

Are we doomed to more and more failures in the face of creating what could equal the current superhero high points? Maybe even exceed those heights?

A Few Masturbatory Strokes

But even if we get a Wonder Woman movie, it will probably not be the one we deserve.

It will most likely be watered down, sexist, difficult to watch and potentially offensive to anyone who loves the comics, the original TV series and realistic humans that aren’t clichés or stereotypes.

We’re right to have our fears and reservations. Women in superhero movies are rarely fully realized characters worth more than a few masturbatory strokes.

Perhaps it’s time to let someone trustworthy take a crack at a script. Gets these dudes' hands off of the Amazonian laptop and let a woman take a crack at creating this one.

It’s a novel idea. Someone just needs to do a good job. Is that too much to ask? Apparently, it is.

Imagine Boys Begging for a Wonder Woman Costume

In an ideal world Wonder Woman would appear at the height of summer blockbuster season and smash the box office records with her brains and brawn, with her sexy yet totally crime-fighting abling costume and would have complex relationships with the people in her life while trying to save the world, or at least some part of her world.

She wouldn’t rely on the Justice League of America, be a bit player. She would be centre stage, kicking ass and taking names, making a new generation of viewers fall in love with her, want to emulate her, feel the power of a strong woman.

Imagine in a year or two little girls insisting on sporting their Wonder Woman costumes on their first day of school, on carrying a Wonder Woman lunchbox or backpack or pencil case or iPad case, on coercing their friends and siblings into make-believing they are Wonder Woman instead of playing heiress princess or house. 

And imagine little boys wanting to join them in their play, being the ones on the side lines, the secondary characters in a game of female domination.

Imagine they beg their parents for a Wonder Woman costume, for a chance to be a powerful, intelligent character who saves the day.

It would be super.


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