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2012-10-02 18:09:31
2015-02-02 04:14:25

Let's Never Talk About Jessica Simpson's Baby Weight Again

This week has been flush with stories about Jessica Simpson’s body.

The newest member of the Weight Watchers family has been out and about, making her way across talk shows and tabloids discussing her road to recovery.

Has her body been put through rigorous tests? Cancer treatment? A disfiguring and debilitating horse-riding accident? A series of swollen bee stings?

No. The answer to all these questions is a resounding no.

 Here’s the thing. And you’re going to feel weird about it.

Thing is, she had a baby. A live, human baby.

(Aside: And she put that baby in a bikini and took a picture and then people were in a real uproar because everyone is a complete idiot and I don’t think I should have to go into my feelings on people in bikinis.

Leave Baby Maxwell and her yellow not polka dot bikini alone! You are sexualizing her with your sexualizing issues! End rant!)

Ok. I’m back. Focus.

Baby Weight Insulting to the World

When people have babies their bodies change.

They have an entire other human being living inside of them, so they have to eat more food. They are, as the saying goes, eating for two.

They have a different lifestyle. It’s a big change.

They can’t get drunk to escape the sad times and the hard times either. Which can be really hard when all a person wants to do is enjoy a tipple and pass out.

So they don’t have narcotic vices. But they can eat.

Apparently Jessica Simpson ate a lot. Good for her. Eating is a very enjoyable activity.

And then after all the eating and gestating she gave birth. So she had a baby. And she had to bounce back.

Back to what? Why her former self of course!

Why? Because she put on Baby WeightTM. And it’s insulting to the world.

If Baby Weight Isn't Eliminated, the Terrorists Win

Even though she irrevocably changed, because she is now a mother, her body is not allowed to comply with that.

Nope. She is required to transform her body, again. After all that other body morph stuff she already went through during that whole pregnancy thing.

Baby WeightTM. It’s the enemy. If it’s not eliminated, the terrorists win.

It spreads Ebola!

Sure, carrying a healthy baby to term is like, pretty fancy science, but it’s not as fancy or important as losing weight.

Baby WeightTM. Losing weight is like curing cancer or fighting off a bear that’s trying to tear apart your entire family.

Instead of worrying about this, how about a new thing. It’s controversial, but I think it might work.

Let's Move On

I think we should all agree to never use the term Baby WeightTM again.

Ok? I think we can do this. Then we can just move on with our lives. And so can other women, the ones who’ve given birth.

If we can achieve this one simple thing, then new mothers can focus on other important life things, instead of dwelling on Baby WeightTM.

Like setting their PVRs and talking to friends and walking around outside. Oh yeah, and raising their brand new humans!

It might seem hard at first. But I’m pretty sure with a little practice and solidarity this is a goal we can achieve.

And then we can move on to eliminating other terms from our vocabulary.

Let's Burn Down the Offices of Life & Style

Let’s never talk about Bikini BodsTM again.

Let’s cut the best and worst Bikini BodsTM. In fact, let’s burn down the offices of Life & Style using those very issues, with their humiliating photographs and absurd Photoshop efforts as the kindling to spark the flame.

And let’s also never use the phrase Sick SkinnyTM. Or Celebrity DietTM.

If we can cut these nefarious phrases out of our vocabulary then we won’t have to look at any more articles about cutting certain foods out of our diets to look like some person that has a team of people helping them look like that.

For the greater good, we must stay strong. We must use our words wisely.

Note: All tabloid phrases are proper nouns as I’m pretty sure they’ve been trademarked by someone at some media outlet in the years since they’ve been in use.

There is no way when slammed together that these words are not proper nouns. That would make it so confusing.

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