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In a Galaxy That Should Go Straight to Hell: Why Star Wars Sucks


Disney has made it clear that they do not respect common decency.

Their objective is clearly to wage war on the cinematic arts. And they have given up any illusions of being a respected company that should be trusted to create quality entertainment.

The Mouse House now owns Lucasfilm, the company that has brought us nothing but mind-numbing arguments over which CGI characters are more or less realistic in a fan-universe no one should care about in a galaxy that should go straight to hell.

The Series That Plagues Mankind

Star Wars, the series that has plagued mankind for the past 35 years, will return to movie screens and send terror and sorrow into my heart in 2015.

After the debacles -- albeit huge, money-making debacles -- known as the Star Wars prequels, I assumed my time listening to SW fans was at an end.

There would be no new stories, and the existing movies would be relegated to Blu-ray marathons in basements around the world.

But then George Lucas -- the richest, non-genius making movies -- decided he wasn’t done making money off of his monstrous creation and sold it all to Disney.

Then they all got together and announced they’re going to make another Star Wars movie.

And then my computer somehow was smashed to bits immediately after I read those words.

And then fans rejoiced, happy to have space travelling idiots in their lives once again.

Star Wars Fans: Patriotic and Insane

The fans, their voices loud and incessant. Their keyboard strokes heard from all corners of the globe.

People love Star Wars. This love is like patriotism -- unwavering, seemingly reasonless and ridiculous.

Am I the only sane person in existence? It seems that way. It feels like for years upon years we’ve been fed a gigantic lie.

That Star Wars is great. That it is beloved by all, and for good reason. What are those reasons?

It’s great. I loved it as a child. It’s great.

Not reasons. There are, however, many reasons why it’s not great.

1. The Whole Franchise is Super Racist

Yoda and his manner of speaking is clearly a mocking representation of the wise sensei -- a puppet in yellow face. 

Jar Jar Binks, the most hated character in the franchise, blatantly mocks African-American and Caribbean stereotypes.

He's a CGI ‘thing’ in blackface. Funny voices! (here's a tip - they're usually racist).

There are also characters called sand people! Can it be any more obvious?

2. Female Characters are Relegated to Maternal or Sexual Roles with Little to No Agency

Yes, even Leia was subjected to imprisonment in a bondage scene with an obese puppet that has created unrealistic sex fantasies for men who’ve come of age in the past 30 years.

When I was a kid I enjoyed Saved By the Bell, but there’s no way I’m going to defend it like it’s my homeland, or my family, or treat people talking shit about it like terrorists.

Just because a person loved something as a child doesn’t make it good.

3. Children Have Bad Taste

Kids don’t like the better, stinkier cheeses. They can’t stomach delicate vegetables or pâté.

And they're not into Mad Men at all. We can’t trust them to know which movies are great.

Has anyone else watched kid’s TV programming? It’s asinine.

4. There is No Artfulness

People can enjoy Star Wars. They can enjoy their memories. But don’t try and convince anyone with half a brain that there is artfulness or great storytelling or anything of long-lasting value in these movies.

There are some bad actors fighting evil. That’s it. There is no nuance, there is no greater meaning.

Evil. An abstract concept. Simple.

What's More Unfeeling Than Stock Characters with Plastic Toys?

What’s more offensive than people defending a series of very terrible movies, is these same people worried that the new episodes will ruin the integrity of the Star Wars universe.

I think I just crapped out my brain. Excuse me? Integrity? In my hatred of Star Wars I’ve been accused of being unfeeling -- of being a crusty old bitch.

What's more unfeeling that stock characters running around with plastic toys? What 's more unfeeling than having very little depth to your characters?

Star Wars missed the boat on many things. Could C3PO and R2D2 not have been the first out and proud gay robots?

Could there not have been some actual tension between the characters? Could there have not been so many faceless Stormtroopers with no character development?

Who are we supposed to care about? The only vaguely great thing about the whole series is the pathos of a man in a pseudo-sasquatch costume who doesn’t have any lines.

Oh, and the layers of emotion in a short-lived incest plot. Pretty edgy stuff, kids.

A Money-Making Phenomenon of the Basest Nature

Often the fans of franchises are the ones who need defending. The ones who need support.

They're people who feel they are made fun of, are marginalized. Not here. Star Wars is no different than Twilight -- a money-making phenomenon that appeals to the basest nature of people not willing to try and think for more than a few seconds at a time.

Do people defend Twilight despite it being completely outrageous and offensive? Of course they do, because they can’t look critically at it. Star Wars fans cannot look critically at their little space-darling either.

The Pool is Too Shallow

These fans are fools. They are people who want to live in a fantasy world. But a really lame one where nothing fun or cool ever happens and everyone is wearing clothes from a mall that’s been ransacked, flooded and set on fire.

I’m tempted to call it "camp," but I can’t even put these movies on par with Roger Corman’s or Rocky Horror or Showgirls.

The Star Wars pool is too shallow. If people want to enjoy these films for what they are -- ridiculous good times that don’t have much merit in cinematic history -- I salute them.

If they want to claim otherwise I suggest they slink back into their space holes and try to be quiet at least until the release of Episode 7. I know that’s too much to ask, so I’ve got my ear plugs handy.

Come at me, bros. I’m ready.


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