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What, Me Worry?

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If you have been reading my blog for any amount of time, you are no doubt aware that I love Las Vegas.

For me, Las Vegas is not just a great place to visit, it's also a first-rate place to live and raise a family. Jobs are plentiful, the air quality is impeccable, the ever-shining sun eradicates depression, we have a first-rate police department, and the people are the most friendly, articulate folks you will ever meet. 

Our schools consistently rank first worldwide, our home prices double every three weeks (fortunately our salaries triple in the same amount of time), our transit system runs on time, and our doctors consistently put patients before profits.  Crime is virtually non-existent, we are all fluently quad-lingual, and our local newspaper makes money by selling advertising space instead of suing its readers.

As a devout Christian, I almost hate to say this ... but the main reason that I dread dying is because I know that heaven will not live up to the expectations set by my 5 years of Vegas residency.  Simply put, this is as good as it gets.  Not even the Lord Jesus Christ, my personal savior, could create a more utopian society.

All of this being the case, imagine my shock, nay HORROR, when I awoke to find that the following article had been downloaded over via my fairly-priced, ultra-reliable, super-fast Embarq DSL connection:

Allow me to excerpt some of the bashing article:

Many valley residents are not surprised to learn Forbes Magazine this week named Las Vegas the most stressed-out city in the country.

"I'm not surprised at all, because the economy is really bad," said Las Vegas resident Pamela Lyons. "I know of people who are out of work. We all do, but it's just one those things you just hope it turns around," added Las Vegas resident Troy Smith.

Local counselors say an increase in their business supports the idea that Las Vegas is a stressed city. "We hear about it every day," said Community Counseling Center of Southern 

Nevada Executive Director Ronald Lawrence. "Our patient population is just about one and a half times what it was two years ago."

What?

WHAT?

I don't know where this smear compaign came from, but wait, there's more.  The conspiracy continues:

Frayed nerves in Sin City

To 36 million tourists per year, Las Vegas is a place to blow off steam and get away from the pressures of daily life. But residents of the city are far from carefree. The housing crisis and recession hit the city hard, and it currently has a 14.5% unemployment rate, the highest of all the cities we studied.

Making matters worse is how few people are taking steps to relieve the pressure. Physical exercise is known to reduce stress, but Las Vegans exercise less than residents of any other big city--a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention survey showed that nearly 30% of all residents hadn't exercised in the past month.

"Someone who exercises for 30 minutes a day is going to have a lower level of stress hormones in their bloodstream than someone who never does," says Santos, who adds that the searing Las Vegas sun and biting desert winds inhibit outdoor exercise. "Right now nobody is going to go out walking. It's not one of those nice places where it's conducive to go for a walk and then come back and cook dinner."

Now, before I go any further, I want to be the first person to call Pamela Lyons, Troy Smith, Ronald Lawrence, and the Center for Disease Control... liars.  They're all a bunch of boring, rat bastard dicksniffs.

I don't know about you, but if any of the people mentioned in the above article had a blog, there is no goddamn way I would read it.  Personally, I hope all of these people move to the northwest, get rained upon, and choke on one of Courtney Love's fermented tampons fished out of an Olympia dumpster.

The people mentioned in the article are just a bunch of goddamn hateful, negative, jealous assholes.  I'll bet you anything that they're a bunch of Washington State, tree-hugging, commie fuckbags who just don't know how to make it in Las Vegas.  They probably sit around and jerk off to pictures of the Space Needle while shitting all over the highly-talented bands that make our city the greatest in the universe.

I don't know about you, but I personally see nothing but brilliance in the lyrics of a song like "Shots".

For example:

"If you're not drunk ladies and gentleman

Get ready to get fucked up

Lets do it

Haha

LMFAO

You know it

Yeaah

All of the alcoholics

Where you at

Lets go

Hey hey hey hey uh huh hey hey hey hey

Lets go yeah!

When i walk in the club

All eyes on me

I'm with the party rock crew

All drinks are free (all drinks are free)

We like Ciroc

We love Patron

We came to party rock

Everybody its on!

Shots shots shots shots shots

Shots shots shots shots shots

Shots shots shots shots shots shots

Everybody

Shots shots shots shots shots

Shots shots shots shots shots

Shots shots shots shots shots shots"

Hey, you old sons of bitches out there reading this that don't love Las Vegas and Jesus, I dare you to find a single song in the entire Beatles catalog that even comes close to the abject genius of the above lyrics. 

If you don't like the music of Vegas, perhaps you should all just OD in front of your TV like Layne Staley, or better yet ... blow your heads off like your hero Kurt Cobain.  Hey, grunge lovers, I've got something for you to smell and it ain't teen spirit.  It's the crack of my ass.  

I can't wait until the overcast skies of your plaid-draped socialist shithole drive you all to mass suicide.  It will leave more Vegasy goodness for the rest of us.

Now if you will excuse me, I am off to enjoy MY city.  I know how to make it here.  Las Vegas didn't kick my ass.

I've got three Lamborghinis, a McMansion in Henderson, a condo on the West Sigh-Yeeed, 8,095 close friends, and five personal secretaries who wipe my ass on command.  I know how to turn $1 into $1 Million at 6:5 Blackjack because I got a quality Las Vegas education unlike the losers at Forbes.

I'm a smooth pimp who gets all the fly pussy.  As a matter of fact, enjoy the bus you lame Vegas-haters cause I'm gonna drop my top and go cruising around in the sun right now because I'm a stone-cold playa.  That's how I roll.

If you see me passing by, HOLLA! 

That's not stress Forbes is seeing.  That's cool oozing out of my pores.

Vegas Baby!


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