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Well, That Sunk: Celebrity Big Deals That Weren’t in 2012

battleship poster

There are always "big deals" in the world of entertainment.

And then there are things that seem like they’re going to be a big deal that fizzle into nothing.

Here’s a rundown of the biggest "big deal" letdowns of 2012.

Battleship

Yup. They made a movie out of the board game with the plastic ships and the little pegs that are supposed to be missiles or something.

It cost a lot of money to make. There were many, many explosions.

Rihanna was even in it with lots of other good looking people, like Alexander Skarsgard and Taylor Kitsch. And Liam Neeson and Brooklyn Decker.

This movie was dressed up all pretty. It sailed out into the summer sea, set to be a huge blockbuster.

And guess what? It sunk!

Yeah, it was even worse than that horrible joke.

Critics hated it, people didn’t go to the theatee to see it and it didn’t make a whole lotta scratch. The whole thing was a huge, expensive disappointment.

Icebergs can only strike once. Not every giant ship movie is going to be a Titanic. But most bad jokes are created equal.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ Divorce

I can barely remember when we used to use the truncated TomKat to discuss this marriage of marketing convenience.

For a day or two, this was the news of the world. One of the biggest, most famous, most controversial celebrity couples was going to get divorced.

Everyone waited with baited breath for the fireworks, the alimony ordeals, the custody battles, the lick of flames from the mouth of a volcano to emerge and whip Katie down amongst the Thetans (I know nothing of actual Scientology theology).

None of that came to pass. There was nothing huge, no blow-outs, no televised interviews asking people to take sides. No “Team _____” t-shirts.

There were just publicists and lawyers behind closed doors.

The biggest news of all surrounding their split is how swift and silent it was. It only took a few days to sort out their post marriage lives. Nothing long or drawn out or bitter about it.

Their relationship will always be big. Couch-jumping Tom’s shoe lifts. Katie’s glazed eyes, not even enough glimmer in them to beg to be rescued. And of course, wee Suri Cruise, the princess child of the celebrity world.

Six-year-olds in heels has been a growing trend - Toddlers in Tiaras, Suri and Honey Boo Boo will attest - but quick divorces of married celebs, that is a singular affair.

Britney’s Comeback

The X Factor may have coaxed her out of her hiding place. Or at least coaxed her father into letting her make them a little more money. She may be on television every week, but when she’s there she’s not doing much.

Is it possible to be a pop music figurehead at 30?

The girl doesn’t have much of her sparkle. Yeah, she makes some crazy hilarious reaction faces, but the rest is uninspired. She’s kind of like a regular person. Shocking!

But there is no wow factor. Brit Brit is the not same old Brit Brit.

There is no reinvention, like with someone like Madonna. Sure, call her what you want, but the woman moves and shakes, changes, dates. Britney never really emerged from her pop-sexuality cocoon, forever trapped in a world where she is bubbly.

Maybe sweet Britney is just not capable. And that’s ok. She’s suffered. And though there’s nothing fake about her appearance on the X Factor, there’s something missing.

Those of us who’ve seen Crossroads know that Britney is a reactor not an actor. She just needs to be herself -- a Louisiana girl with a song in her heart and a McDonald’s cheeseburger in her soul.

Angelina Jolie’s Engagement Ring

Apparently Brad bought Angie a giant diamond.

A big shiny one -- the kind that usually indicates imminent marriage, especially when worn on the appropriate finger.

There was mad speculation, constant wedding watch and ultimately nothing came of it aside from everyone losing their minds over nothing.

No wedding! No wedding plans! Nothing.

They are marriage teases, because that’s what sells magazines and their “brand.”

So not a big deal. Boring!

Mayans

Sorry, Mayans, and all those television programs on every history and science channel and all the rest of those pseudo-education channels.

You were wrong. The world did not end.

Mayans, you thought you were cool. You had a wicked-awesome civilization that was super rad and then it all went to hell for you and still we listened to your farcical version of the world’s end.

We are all still here to enjoy another season of Game of Thrones. Those people are teaching us about civilizations and war, with some added dragons.

I hope that the aftermath of the world not ending is that we take a little breather from end-of-the-world and apocalypse drama (and comedy if you look at A Friend For the End of the World).

No more zombies or revolution. Just people living in the now trying to figure out why now is so messed up.

Can we just try that for a while? Because the world is messed up. Now. Like, now now.


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