Are you a person under the age of seven looking for fame and media attention?
Are you trying to build your brand but unsure how to proceed?
The rules are easy to follow if one is committed to achieving those shiny and lofty goals.
If you're a toddler and you're unsure of how to achieve fame and fortune, then look no further than the bastion of business acumen and glamour, Toddlers and Tiaras.
With these simple steps you can achieve pageant crowns, internet fame and, if you do it all well, your own television show -- starring you.
1) Become the Girl with the Most Cake
The first step is to get your pageant gear, your dresses, outfits, shoes, hair and flipper (fake teeth) and the best make-up and spray tan money can buy.
Become involved in the pageant communities closest to you. Make a name for yourself.
Become the girl with the most cake, the best smile, the loudest screams. Then it’s time to approach TLC and get yourself noticed.
Your first appearance will be an audition for future appearances. Do not blow this.
Stay focused, but don’t remain calm. If you want to get noticed, you’ll need to do something special. The specifics will be detailed later.
Once you’ve secured a second appearance on T&T you’re one step closer to glitzy toddler supremacy.
Do not blow this chance. If you flail in your second appearance you might not be asked for a third.
Or even worse, you'll be asked to be a guest on a regional morning talk show
2) Create a Signature Drink
Honey Boo Boo (given name Alana) gets her energy from a special concoction known as Go-Go Juice.
Comprised of Red Bull and Mountain Dew it’s best served in a 500ml lime green Mountain Dew bottle for easy carry and consumption.
Most pageant children go in for Pixy Stix, a fairly pedestrian affair. If every other kid is choking down paper strawfuls of coloured, artificially flavoured sugars the only way to set yourself apart is to create something different and memorable.
Combine your favourite soda with something that has some kick to it.
If you’re not sure what to mix, ask your mom. She’ll have the answer somewhere in her purse/medicine cabinet/toilet tank.
3) Find the Thing That Makes You, You. Then Make it Huge
Most toddlers and kindergarteners are lumps of useless flesh.
They sit and stare into the endless abyss of non-fame, just waiting for some adult to tell them where to walk, when to shake their spangled booty and how high to point their gummy fingers while they dance on stage to the beats of Loverboy.
Get a catchphrase, practice insults, giggle, dance and get your eye rolls just right.
Find the things that make you you and then make them as big as that trophy you want to take home but can’t carry.
4) Release a Terrible Single
You think bad music will ruin your chances of fame and fortune forever?
No way, baby.
Blonde queen Eden Wood took her T&T fame into her own hands and released an unbearable song called “Cutie Patootie.”
Now she’s got her own show, Eden’s World.
It’s not on a major network, but do you have a show?
No. Think about this. Now open GarageBand and start writing a list of words that rhyme with glitz.
5) Get on a Morning Show
National morning talk show is the penultimate step. Media attention.
They will ask you about all the antics you’ve been up to.
Sit pretty. Have some one-liners prepared. Get your mom to be defensive.
Then it’s all about getting that lucrative television show deal.
6) Keep it Classy
Despite all of this, there are still rules and regulations.
You might think it’s all right to get crazy, to get wild, to make a scene and yell at your mother.
Really give it to her and tell her that you hate her, that she is the worst human being you’ve ever seen, that she smells like and looks like a busted sceptre, and truthfully, all those things are fine.
But don’t do any of those things on stage. Keep it behind the scenes.
Save your tantrums and outbursts, your crying jags and insults, for the wings.
T&T favourite MaKenzie Myers made the mistake of letting her emotions show a little bit, like a regular old 6 year old, and didn’t bottle them up like a refined child.
Where is she now? Who knows?!
Probably sitting at home with her family eating a well-balanced meal. Or buying back-to-school supplies. Or taking swimming lessons. Or just reading a boring old book.
7) Keep Your Fears to Yourself
Yes, delving into the world of super-tiny stardom can be terrifying, but no one wants to see that level of vulnerability.
Keep your fears to yourself. Crying and screaming are completely acceptable.
Any kind of gas expulsion is encouraged. Giggling uncontrollably, dressing up an animal in pageant frocks or other sequined ensembles is encouraged.
Don’t limit yourself. Face your fear and move forward.
The best possible situation is for you to already not possess personality filters of any kind.
But don’t forget the rules. Keep the much-needed hysterics off-stage.
Keep the outlandish requests and vices, hoots and hollers in the wings. Let the drama on stage be controlled and focussed.
Your personality will shine through.
You’ve been groomed to be a star, to give yourself to your adoring fan base.
Now go do it, toddler!