It's been said that sarcasm is the humor of the intelligent.
The exception to this would be the British who really find it funny when men dress in women's clothing, although I've no idea why. I dress in women's clothing all the time, and I can assure you that there is nothing funny about it whatsoever.
Frankly, I don't know if the whole "sarcasm is the humor of the intelligent" thing is true or not, but I do know one thing ... many people who read these very pages do not get sarcasm. At all.
Take, for example, my upcoming poker tournament.
I did not personally set up the tournament. How could I? I don't even have an online poker account yet. Instead, I asked some folks to set one up for me and they are doing the best that they can under certain parameters.
Of course, you cannot please everyone.
Since the day the tournament was announced, people have been pissing in my ear because they are convinced that the tournament is really some kind of ruse set up to allow me to wipe the floor with noob players. These folks are convinced that, since I have bragged about my prowess at poker, that I am soliciting the world's shittiest players to play against me so that I can maintain my bragging rights as ... the world's greatest poker player.
The thing is, this is not my first goat fuck, and it's not the first time that I will have publicly played and lost in a tournament.
I actually hosted an in-person poker tournament in February of 2009 at the Excalibur, and I came in something like 8th out of 20th when I got rivered by a guy named 'Shamu'. If memory serves me, I was ahead on the flop, and we both went all-in, but the cards are the cards.
The same scenario has played out in countless other card rooms across Las Vegas.
I remember the very first Texas Hold'em tournament in which I played. It was at the Luxor, and I made the final table (out of 4 tables). When I was one place out of the money, I made an all-in move, and I was called once. I had Kings, my opponent had Queens, and there was a King on the flop with two rags. The only way my opponent would have won was if both the turn and flop brought Queens ... a .1% statistical probability.
Well, you can imagine what happened next. Turn Q, River Q.
In my first tournament ever, anywhere, I got bounced out as a 99.9% favorite. For playing quite well, and making the right moves, I lost my buy-in and left with nothing while Donkey Kong cruised into the money.
During my first several months of tournament play, I got bad-beaten so many times that I simply stopped playing in tournaments altogether.
What is my point?
My point is that I am the shittiest/unluckiest/most rat bastardiest Hold'em player on this planet and every other inhabited planet in both the known and unknown universe. I suck balls so badly that even Sherman Frederick removed me from his rolodex.
For years I have written about how badly I sucked at tournaments, and I ass/u/med that when I wrote a post about being the world's greatest tournament player, most everyone with 1/4 of a brain or more would be acutely aware that I was being sarcastic.
That's what I get for assuming.
In the past week, I've gotten email after email from people taking exception to my characterization of myself as "the world's greatest poker player", and these same people have complained that:
- "You only think you're great because you rig your own tournaments to win";
- "Of course you are going to win your own tournament but that's because you're going to play against losers instead of pros like me who already have online poker accounts blah blah blah";
- "You want to brag about how good you are but you never play against good players so it doesn't count", etc, etc.
At first, I thought these folks were being sarcastic too, but as time went on, it's occurred to me that some of these winguts are actually serious.
Do you REALLY think that my obviously-ridiculous trash talk and my attempts to host a poker tournament are really that nefarious?
Do you really think that I am trying to fool the world by playing against sandbaggers?
The fact is that I am a terrible tournament player and everyone knows it. I don't think I've ever placed first in any tournament, and if I did, first prize was so small and unmemorable that I ... don't remember it. When it comes to Hold'em, I am strictly a cash player. I go into a room, try to take down one sizable pot, and if I do ... I walk. I don't sit there and risk my winnings as one is required to do in a tournament. I generally dislike tournaments because tournaments do not let me take profits.
The last tournament I played in (Strip Poker at the Excalibur), a similar thing happened that usually happens. I got up big early, and had to sit there as the blinds went up and my stack dwindled. It irks me. I'm a profit-taker, and I am a big advocate for taking profits.
"Well Gee, Rex, why on earth are you holding a tournament, then?"
For fun, you imbeciles.
Jesus Christ I can't believe how goddamn seriously some of you motherfuckers take things.
Get the button puck out of your assholes and lighten up.
I'm not trying to rig the tournament so that only I get paid. I'm not sure that I even want to win. I mean, I'm going to try and play well, but I would feel quite guilty if I won. It just doesn't seem right to win your own tournament. I'd much rather a longtime reader who isn't a jerk get the loot.
I can't believe that there are actually people in this world who are tardwitted enough to believe that:
- I really think I am the greatest poker player in the world;
- I derive self-esteem from beating hapless noobs at a silly game;
- I am conspiring with Al Queda, Darth Vader, and other forces of evil to tilt a $5 poker game in my favor;
- My dick is somehow less than 15" long;
Seriously, guys, what the hell? What's the matter with you?
Has the Las Vegas methamphetamine supply run so low that you have become just this humorless? Or, as is my suspicion, are you really just that dumb?
Fortunately for all of you, I am not Steve Wynn or Sherman Frederick. I'm really not a heartless twatsniff.
Since some of you are disappointed or even outwardly hostile to the fact that the tournament is only open to new players, I've asked the folks who set it up to see if there is anything that I can do.
They have responded by telling me that they will try to manually add those who already have an account, but you must respond no later than October 13th, 2010 (this Wednesday). If you are an existing Bodog player, and you are absolutely determined to be publicly humiliated by yours truly, then email email@example.com with:
- Your Bodog Username and Account ID
- Your Email Address (where we can contact you)
They will attempt to add you "pro" players manually.
Again, if you haven't already signed up, click here to sign up.
Keep in mind, however, that if you do manage to get added to the tournament, your chances of winning or busting me out are still slim to none.
After all, I am the greatest poker player alive.