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Road to Crotchville: The 5 Best Skanky Outfits of 2012

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We give so much credence to classiness, but that isn’t what makes the world interesting.

Sure, it’s nice to see people dressed nicely, dressed as though they’re being totally respectful of the occasion.

In the world of pop culture the bolder the outfit the better. And, often, the less fabric on that outfit even better.

Sometimes going against the grain, giving the middle finger to what’s expected and getting wild is the way to go.

It’s time to salute the cleavage-baring, skin-showing and general flesh exposed of the Top 5 hot-and-skanky outfits of 2012.

1. Rihanna at the Grammys

This is exactly the kind of threadless wonder I’m talking about. Because the thing is, she actually is wearing clothes.

In fact, the gown is floor length and a quick glance doesn’t reveal just how much the gown reveals.

But. Oh yes, there is a but. And a butt.

Her entire chest is exposed. A little tape above and below the nipples allows for a full fledged half-moon boob on either side, emerging from the black sky of the barely breast-covering bodice.

Her entire back is exposed, save for some sparkly dental floss to hold the whole thing together. It’s a marvel of construction.

This dress is strategy. Take a black gown and then take off fabric from the front, the back, up the leg until it’s almost giving her a pelvic exam and voila!

The perfect hot, skanky number. Rihanna looks real good here.

2. Lady Mary Charteris at Her Wedding

It’s a sad fact that most brides don’t want to look like rejects from a Whitesnake video.

Usually, bridal gowns are tickets to a nap festival. White and lacy, tasteful and sorely lacking in whimsy and usually absolutely zero sexuality.

Luckily, this little gem has emerged as a formal event skank winner!

Lady Mary’s wedding dress features one very important skank trend of 2012: the exposed skin of the cut-a-way panels. This time it’s white instead of black, a fun change. Black sheer panels were really overdone this year.

She creates a lovely cultural allusion to the classic rock wedding featured in Guns N’ Roses’, November Rain. I do wish she’d gone for more of a mullet skirt, but the overly girlish frills will have to do.

Does it really matter who Lady Mary is? No. She is some kind of fancy British person who has gifted us with the wedding dress of the year.

3. Kristen Stewart at Twilight Premier

Kristen Stewart has been around the world on the final vampire tour, wearing all manner of red-carpet wear but this stop was a formal-skank dream.

A tight, fitted jumpsuit with black sheer panels and lace delicately tacked to her upper body to cover her wee breasts.

Sigh. Girl really knew what she was doing. She took some vital skank-wear elements and added them together to create a searingly hot number -- covered, and yet almost wholly revealing.

As you can tell, I’m giving a lot of props to cut outs. But for good reason.

They’re fun and revealing!

4. Ciara at the MTV Movie Awards

This falls in skanky camp, yes, but I don’t have as much love for it.

It could be because it looks like a janky bathrobe that she quickly fashioned into a super slutty cocktail dress as she rushed out the door to get to the MMAs.

It could be the color. But, I can’t deny her effort and the final product produces a truly unclassy vibe.

The V-shaped cut that points towards the crotch area is a sign of skank-wear perfection.

The V-shape in the front cuts to reveal her ample cleavage so this is a win.

5. Lea Michele at the Met Ball

Most people would assume that navy blue can never be skanky. There is something staid about it. The color of yacht-wear and serious luncheons.

However, the trick with this dress Lea Michele is wearing is that it goes for class and fails. A classic skank-wear trope.

There’s a Frederick’s of Hollywood flavor in this ball gown. It fits her as though some man purchased it for a woman he wanted to be his arm candy, without really knowing her true size.

And again, our old friend, the Road to Crotchville slit appears, this time in glittering sequins.

These women have done a wonderful job of appearing at events in attire that throws caution to the wind.

Thank you, ladies. I can only hope for more of this in 2013! Happy New Year!


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