The world of celebrity has been fairly quiet lately. It’s more than a little disappointing.
No big news. No wild scandals. A royal family member hasn’t been photographed in a state of undress for weeks.
Boring award ceremonies.
With nothing of note to fuel our gossip and smut loving ways all we can do is wait.
Or better yet, speculate!
Sometimes when I’m sitting around, alone, sipping a white wine spritzer and watching my stories, I do that.
For your reading pleasure I’ve decided to take a stab at potential upcoming controversies.
Or, more accurately, potential celebrity feuds I’d like to see. What could be the juiciest, biggest, best scandals to come?
Let’s just imagine!
1. George Clooney and Brad Pitt Get Into a Fist Fight
These two titans have been kicking around as the top dogs for years.
But now it seems that they’re not the front-runners for romantic comedies. Or even hard-nosed political thrillers. Or Oscar bait.
Imagine if they were to lose it on each other. A little old school Hollywood physical violence.
This holds so many opportunities.
Is the fight over a potential role? A political debate? Over who looks more/less aged?
I’d like to imagine this as a battle over rights to People’s Sexiest Man Alive title.
These two aging, hottie heavyweights going at it in the studio lot while TMZ looks on.
2. Helen Mirren Becomes the Oldest Celebrity Woman to Give Birth
The woman is a marvel, there’s no doubt about it.
She looks phenomenal, is a fantastic actress, winning in interviews and in general is an overall talent.
Whether comedy or drama, action or quiet conversation, Helen Mirren is a superstar.
Now, at age 67, she finds herself struggling with her hormones, an intense biological desire to have children.
In a tell-all interview she describes her feelings of betrayal, that her own body would force her to go against her personal philosophy.
With the best in-vitro and baby-making science money can buy, Mirren carries her child full term.
She documents the entire process via webcam. She recreates Demi Moore’s famous Vanity Fair cover.
A nude, 8-months pregnant Mirren causes a stir around the world. It’s awesome.
3. Walt Disney is Regenerated
Since the man is frozen in a cryogenic chamber it stands to reason that this is an inevitable outcome.
Science can now do so much with people’s faces and breasts -- just imagine what it’ll be able to do with whole bodies in a few years.
Things are being cloned!
After his extensive rehab Disney will run the talk-show circuit. In a surprising turn he will embrace all the outrageous pop culture the world always claimed he would hate.
He begins to dress like an aging hipster. His huge black-rimmed glasses overwhelm his small face.
His sincere, grandfatherly moustache is now ironic. He loves it all.
In an effort at relevancy he takes over Disney studios and begins making edgy, sullen cartoons about 20-somethings with broken dreams, no dreams and dreams of dreams.
James Franco and Disney collaborate on a spoken-word album.
In a bizarre twist of fate Disney is killed, again, by an enraged Miley Cyrus when he attempts to recreate the buzz she built after her infamous “edgy” haircut.
4. We Find Out Which Celebrities are Robots
Again, this seems inevitable.
How many of these monotone body clones have to drone around in action movies being hot before it comes to light that they are in fact highly sophisticated?
Japan’s robotics programs have been working to this outcome for years.
We can only hope to understand and support our robot celebrities and/or program them to be less annoying.
Once the news is out there are endless options for how these robots can behave. They can grow and change. Be different.
If we could re-program some of these “actors”/dolts, the world would be a better place.
5. All Closeted Celebrities Come Out
As unlikely as it seems, after years of hiding in fear, shame and religious guilt, every single homosexual celebrity in the closet comes out.
It’s decided at a Secret Meeting of Closeted Celebrities (SMOCC) that if they all come out at one time it’ll be less pressure for each of them to be grilled and judged.
It’s a a team effort.
Media blows up. It’s too difficult for them to interview and harass and interrogate all of them individually.
The internet dies for several minutes.
Gay people go on dates, have babies and live their lives.
Welcome to the future!