One G or Bust

26 Sep 2010 | 13:32

 

For the last few days, I have been bedridden.

On Thursday, I injured my back, and since then I have been in the most excruciating pain I have ever felt in my life.  Everytime I move, it feels as if someone is sticking a shiv into my lower spine, and even after consuming lethal levels of morphine and 200,000 xanax tablets, it still hurts like hell.

That reminds me, I need to go to Costco today.  

I mean, I need a few things, and my drugs are prescribed, so what's the worst that could happen?

Anyway, for the last three days, I've literally been confined to a single room with a MacBook, a bottle of water, drugs, and little else.  It's a winning combination that has led to hours of mind-numbing boredom interspersed with periods of furious masturbation.

Fortunately (for me, I suppose), Channel 8 has streamed the Erik Scott inquest in its entirety, and I've watched most of it from morning to evening, and I have even participated in the online chat feature they have running beside the video.  It's the first time I have utilized "online chat" since the heydey of IRC some 10+ years ago, but there is something about calling people idiots in real-time that helps to keep my mind off of the pain.

Today comes word, however, that I finally have a new diversion at my disposal.

For the past month or so, I have had fits and starts getting involved with online gaming.  I've been able to play in some limited manner here and there, but certain legal implications have resulted in my having to take a different approach to the whole thing.  You see, even though the readers of Better Homes and Gardens vote me "most lovable person on planet earth", the fact remains that I still have a few haters.

"Rex, how could anyone hate you after all you have done to rid the world of terrorism and gingivitis?"

You know, I ask myself this very same question every day.  Given the amount of joy I have brought to mankind as a whole, I simply don't understand how anyone could not love me.  My guess is that those who don't are just evil, evil people ... probably Islamo-fascists who hate America's freedoms.

Because of these evildoers, I have to make sure that I am legally covered.

Can't you see it now:

"Dear State of Washington,

My name is Batshit McGee and I wish to lodge a complaint.

There is this guy named Rex who writes about gambling online, and as you are aware, online gambling poses a severe threat to our nation's port security.  Not only that, but it contributes to global warming and hunger in Africa.  Hey, do you remember that song "When Doves Cry" by Prince?  Did you ever wonder what made the doves cry?  Well, I saw a VH1 Behind the Music special where Prince explained that he had two pet doves that used to sob uncontrollably every time Rex played blackjack from his computer and he was so moved that he decided to write a song about it.  Since that time, I've heard doves cry on nine separate occasions and they always sound exactly like that Prince song because somehow Prince managed to perfectly recreate the sound of their little avian teardrops on a synthesizer.  That Prince is amazing I tell you and he can recreate almost any sound he wants oh look a hotdog.  I like hot dogs because they are both tasty and nutritious and I think they get a bad rap from those liberal vegetarians who probably voted for Obama and ... wait, where was I?

Oh yeah, some guy named Rex is gaming online and writing about it and I bet he takes drugs too so please have him executed by shooting him five times in the back.

Truly Yours,

Batshit McGee"

A few weeks later, I imagine that he would get the following response:

"Dear Mr. McGee,

Thank you for alerting us to this very serious issue.  As you know, The State of Washington does not take online gambling lightly.  The legislature agrees with your position that  games of chance are evil, harmful to the environment, and are one of the primary instruments of terrorism.  Our Puyallup field office of the Washington State Intelligence Agency recently uncovered evidence that Iran is funding its nuclear programmes almost wholly through multi-hand Jacks or Better, and scientists have conclusively proven that the Mount St. Helens eruption was attributed to a man's splitting of 10's against a dealer 7 in an online casino.

Not only that, but remember that whole "Holocaust" thing?  New evidence has come to light proving conclusively that Adolf Hitler was, in fact, addicted to online gambling.  He lost $87 in Hymie's Online Gamblin' Hall ... and well, you know the rest.  As we like to say here in the great Pacific Northwest ... NEVER AGAIN!

As a reward for your whistle-blowing, we would like to offer you an all-expenses-paid trip to one of our fine casinos here in Washington State.  All of our casinos are certified Nazi-free, and as an added bonus for your heroism, we would like to offer you 100 of our most popular Washington State Lottery scratch-off tickets.

Remember, it's good to play our way.

As a matter of fact, Washington State is ramping up its advertising of state gaming as we speak.  We refer you to the following URL http://news.opb.org/article/6929-wa-legislature-considers-plan-boost-lottery-sales/

Play, play, and play some more.  Gambling's only evil when we don't get a cut.

Thanks again,

The Legislature of the Great State of Washington"

You can clearly see my dilemma.  Being quasi-public (not trying to overstate this, but I'm one step above anonymous) I have to be careful in how I go about things.

Fortunately, I received help to get squared away, and I now have a completely legitimate, 100% legal gaming account to access any time I wish.  Of course, even though I am okay from a UIGEA standpoint, I still have to play from Oregon, Nevada, or British Columbia.  Washington State takes a very hard line against online gaming of any kind (including making it a Class C felony), and even though I think the state is 100% in the wrong, I'm not going to risk it.  They have the guns, they have the cages, and they have the key to those cages. 

What does the Washington State Legislature and Al Queda have in common?

They both hate our freedoms.

Dear Canada, 

My name is Rex and I have not heard back from you about that political asylum thing.  If you could put down the MoosePiss Beer and shut off the hockey game for five minutes and consider my application, I would appreciate it.

Anyway, to make a long story short, as of today, I have access to an account at a place called Rich Casino, and I am going to see if I can do anything with it.  In particular, I have set a goal.

I am starting with $300, and my goal is to triple that amount before going broke.  Actually, I intend to more than triple it.  As a fan of round numbers, I have endeavored to turn my initial stake not into a measly, inconsequential $900, but instead into an earth-shattering, life-changing, mother-fornicating $1,000.

As a matter of fact, I am going to get up for the first time in days, I'm going to drive to my favorite hotspot on Interstate Ave in Portland, and I am going to get started right now on hitting my three bagger.

Can I do it?

Will I do it?

Stay tuned.

There hasn't been this much anticipation since the heated race for Treasurer of Shelby, Ohio.

I promise to make my challenge twice as exciting.

 

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