I remember when I first heard about Sexxpresso in late 2007.  I can't recall if I heard about it on TV or through another outlet, but I was immediately on the case like Sherman Frederick on a Boston cat blogger.  

I emailed the proprietors of the establishment, and was pretty psyched when I got the following response:

“Good day to you VegasRex,

I am thrilled to report that we will be officially opening on Wednesday morning (that’s tomorrow) at 5:00am. We will have extra SexxPresso hotties on hand to welcome our very first guests. As we like to say “Come in your PJs…WE DO! See ya there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dennis

Mr. SexxPresso”

Needless to say, I got up early the next morning, drove over to where the action was going down, ordered up a drink, and took a few dozen pictures.  Some of them can still be found here.

I thought the idea was quite original - dress attractive women in suggestive clothing, have them serve coffee, and lure perverted men (which is pretty much all of them) to purchase said coffee.  At the time, I also thought that this was a "Vegas idea" but I was quickly corrected.  As it turns out, the Pacific Northwest had already been onto the concept for some time. 

Now, I'm not a huge coffee drinker.  Even though I risk committing blasphemy by saying this (especially in this region), I think the beverage is highly overrated.  It tastes bitter and the janky, nervous buzz seems rather amateurish.  Not only this, but it has been proven that after only a few weeks of consumption, caffeine ceases to have an increased effect upon the user.  This is even true of very high doses.

After a short amount of daily usage, drinking coffee no longer makes the user more alert than baseline (pre-coffee use).  Instead, the user must continue to consume their usual dosage of coffee to bring themselves to the level of alertness they had naturally before using caffeine.  Daily coffee users insist that the beverage "wakes them up", but the truth is that all it does is stave off withdrawal drowsiness.  If one really wants to get the cognitive benefits of caffeine, they must take regular breaks from the drug to allow their tolerance to return to baseline, otherwise, they're just chasing the addiction monkey like any other drug.  In my opinion, the shitty buzz from coffee is not worth the trouble of maintaining the addiction.

I've also never really understood why people hang out in coffee shops, nor do I understand why they "meet for coffee".  Why not just meet in an I-15 rest area bathroom like a normal person?  In my mind, meeting someone for coffee is like meeting them for bottled water.  It doesn't make any sense.  It just seems like a hipster fad that started when that "Friends" show got big.

I digress.

Sexxpresso moved around quite a bit after its grand opening, and I'm not 100% sure if it is still operating in Las Vegas.  The last time I paid a visit was shortly after they moved adjacent to the Wynn, and the new girls were too shy to really show themselves.  In my opinion, it was the right idea at the wrong time.  Sort of like Encore, City Center, Cloud 9, and everything else that has opened in the last four years.

Fast forward to 2010.  Last Monday to be specific.

I'm driving home from a casino in Lakewood, Washington, and what before my wondering eyes should appear but a small, nondescript, stand-alone building with the word "Bikinis" on the side.

Well, some things never change, and just like 2007 all over again, I had to investigate.

I pulled my Porsche 950075GLX Ultra (to this day I receive email from people asking me what kind of Porsche I own) up to the side of the building, and I was immediately greeted by a woman in a bikini.  

"Hi there, what can I get for you?", she asked cheerfully.

Unfortunately, her bikini was covered with some kind of white over-garment, but to be honest ... it didn't matter all that much.  She had an overall level of attractiveness that worked, and her personality was first-rate.

I informed her that it was my first time at a drive-up bikini stand, and I asked her if she would mind posing for a picture.

"Absolutely", she said, and she waited patiently as I fumbled around for my camera in the glove compartment.

After I took the shot, she said "since it's your first time here, I want to make sure you have a good time", and with that she reached through my open window and grabbed my stiff, throbbing 3" of manhood, and began moving her hand up and down ... okay, I'm lying.  I only wish I had three inches.  Perhaps when my trial bottle of "Extenz" arrives.  Where the hell is it, anyway?  When I pay for express shipping, I expect to get express goddamn shipping.

In actuality, my scantily-clad barista chatted about the menu with me for a minute or two, and after asking my preferences, she recommended a vanilla milkshake.  

Yes, a milkshake.

You see, I was straight with her.  I told her that I was not a huge coffee drinker and I confessed that the only reason I was there was to get my perv on.  Fortunately, she was not offended in the slightest.  She went to work preparing my shake, and I went to work getting my perv on ... as I fully disclosed was my task at hand.

When she returned with my beverage, I tipped, took a sip and --  Wow.  It was damn good.  One of the better milkshakes I have had.  It didn't taste like a Baskin & Robbins super-sweet shake, rather it was milk with the high-end vanilla stuff they put in hipster espressos.  Her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and damn right, it's better than yours.  She might be able to teach you, but I imagine that should would have to charge.

I complimented her on the high quality of her shake, and she said "let me show you some appreciation for your kind words".  Still holding the can of whipped cream, she bent over and ... well, you've no doubt seen "Debbie Does Dallas".  This is exactly what happened in my car as it sat in front of that small espresso stand in Lakewood.

What can I say, the customer service at Bikinis is great.

Anyway, it was the finest Monday I have had in some time.  It consisted of a casino visit (complete with $5 3:2 Blackjack) followed by a trip to a scantily-clad, drive-thru coffee stand.  These are things that I can no longer get in Las Vegas.

Irony.