It’s been weeks, but I haven’t been able to get that ad out of my head.
You know the one. Brad Pitt, standing in a room, a slightly swaying light above him, spewing some pseudo-philosophy while staring directly at the camera.
As the lens descends on his face we’re supposed to be enraptured, taken in by his words, his face, his Pittness.
He is Brad Pitt. Now go buy a nice shiny bottle of perfume!
Because when I think of that classic scent, Chanel No. 5, I immediately think Brad Pitt.
Yes, it’s important for celebrities to get their advertisement on, to make that endorsement cash so they can do their "passion projects" -- which some of them apparently do have.
Not everyone gets it right. If the endorsement doesn’t fit, you gotta take it off, shake it off and get back to casting.
In the wake of that perfume ad that haunts us, here are some celebrity endorsements I’d like to see.
Mila Kunis for Microsoft
Look. Apple is sexy. Microsoft is lame.
No one is getting cool-vibes from the people who created the incredibly, creatively titled Windows 7.
Microsoft makes people think of work in dull offices.
No windows. Cubicles. Sad desk lunches. Uncomfortable small talk about other people’s children.
No one understands what it means to be the saving the face of things that are unfun like Kunis does.
For years she dated Macaulay Culkin, and now she’s hooking up with uber-jerkface Ashton Kutcher.
Picture Kunis lounging in some revealing-yet-accessible bra-and-panties set, firing up her computer all sexily, then looking at sexy pictures of herself on it.
Then receiving more sexy photos on her Surface Microsoft tablet.
Then the whole room gets all Microsoft Windows with photos of Mila being sexy and the final cut is the camera zooming in on her until it reaches her full mouth to hear her sexily mouth the word, “Microsoft!”
Joan Rivers for BMW
Joan Rivers has her own line of everything on QVC: rings, necklaces, watches. She’s not doing too badly for herself.
But she could also use even more money. After years of service she deserves this lucrative contract.
BMW is always hiring suave-looking dudes to sell their cars, but a change of face might be nice.
If you want to sell something high-end, you need an expert in high-end merchandise.
Just like cars get overhauls and new looks every year, so does our beloved Joan. She is an expert in tuning up a fine machine -- her own magnificent face.
She could sell cars like she’s been selling her own brand of caustic humour for years.
Joan riding in the sheen of summer, sunglasses on, her face unmoving in the breeze as she zips from talk-show appearances to surgery appointments in her sassy new BWM.
Quentin Tarantino for Smith and Wesson
This guy has already done so much for the gun industry.
And imagine the commercials he could shoot!
Flashy, beautiful people captured in brilliant color, barrels glinting in the sunlight as they fire off rapid-fire, jerky shots into a retro backdrop.
This is a brand I’m sure many bright young things rarely think about. But, with a little help from cool violence, guns could be really, really popular again!
He could also work with one of his glam female film stars to design some high-end gear for S&W too.
Who doesn’t want to fire off a few rounds while wearing an Uma Thurman-esque jumpsuit, or a Jackie Brown-inspired flight attendant uniform? Fools! That’s who.
Katy Perry for Crayola
Never has a grown woman looked so much like she was drawn from the imagination of a princess-crazy little girl and her hormonally charged brother in equal parts.
Never has a grown woman looked like she is completely unaware of adult clothing and neutral colours.
Or that booty shorts, pigtails and lollipops are either for porn stars (totally fine) or children (also, weirdly enough, fine).
She is made of colors. Crayons are likely popping out of her body cavities several times a day.
Oh, and that cartoon face. Just mugging all the time.
Videos of her frolicking down a Crayola-brick road and dancing in a waxy crayon dress that shoots out colored markers from the boob area and little crayon men and women gyrating all around her is pretty much the next, logical step for a children’s craft conglomerate.
I mean, in my opinion it is.
Jeremy Piven for Massengill
This is a huge missed opportunity.
You take a douche guy and turn him into the face of a douching product.
It’s pure genius.
Put Piven in a giant, douche-bottle mascot costume. That’s an image we can all appreciate.
And don’t try to give me millions in Massengill products as payback.
This endorsement genius is on a cash-only payment plan.
You’re welcome, Massengill.