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Liz Hurley's Dripping Wet Boobs: A Week of Red Carpet Winners and Losers

LizHurleyRC

Each week, while we settle in in front of our flatscreens, celebrities take their toned and tucked bodies out on red carpets worldwide to shill for their latest picture show.

And each week they try to wear what they believe to be "their finest."

A lot of the time, these looks inspire envy and create that magic of Old Hollywood glamour or uber-modern chic.

A lot of time, though, they are not so finest.

Just because you’ve paid a lot of money for it doesn’t mean it’s right. Or attractive. Or even fits properly.

Here's a look at two winners and two losers from another week on the red carpet:

Winner: Keira Knightley at the Anna Karenina Premiere in LA

What's not to love about this look?

Keira looks like a fairy princess. But a really classy one who knows how to pick a gown that mixes colours and prints without looking like she dressed in the dark.

The color is a minty, fresh dream. In fact the whole dress shouts freshness.

Leafy and flowery and it fits her like a dream. The detail on the neckline is interesting and lovely and makes a necklace seem extraneous and garish.

This is lush and light at the same time. The flower arrangement on the bodice and hem is just the right amount of decoration without being ostentatious.

I love that the delicate purple shades on the top give way to a full garden of buds along that hem.

It’s so spring, but she’s wearing it in November when things are dreary. It feels like waking up to a crisp sunny day after months of rain.

I want to wear this around on a regular day and eat tiny, delicate cakes and drink sparkling wine in the daytime!

Winners: Katya Virshilas and Henry Conway at the Inspirational Women of the Year Awards 2012

These two were not on my radar before but now they will be for forever and a day.

It doesn’t matter what they do, they just need to be out and about.

Katya is a ballroom dancer and lady about town. Henry is a socialite, club promoter and fashion journalist sent from glamour-heaven.

Together they form some kind of red carpet, superhero dream team. I’m sure they will actually be the ones to save the world during a zombie apocalypse.

Henry is exhibiting how to mix textures and accessories in the right way.

Give him props for the cream jacket and well-tailored trousers, but raise your glass for the draped fur and the tie with the gem and then add in a necklace floating just below and the man looks like royalty.

Gorgeous. Bold. Sigh.

Katya’s pleather and chiffon is S&M Barbie perfection. Look at that sheen in the bodice, playing against the sheen of the skirt. So full, So translucent.

And her delicate pearls are delightful in contrast to Henry’s, well, everything. These two need to show up on every red carpet to remind the world of how lovely life can be.

Loser: Elizabeth Hurley at the Grey Goose Winter Ball 2012

Everything about this is screaming "look at me, look at me" - kind of the way a child does when he goes into his mother’s closet, pulls out every item that looks interesting and puts it all on at the same time.

Leopard print is wonderful, but the pleats and darts create the illusion that her top half is clothed in a Frederick’s of Hollywood swimsuit from 1983.

The shine in the fabric makes it look like her breasts are soaking wet.

Which makes sense, considering, you know, the swimsuit.

Then below her dripping wet boobs is a cascade of shimmering crystals that look completely out of place.

The drapy bottom and slit are almost forgivable in the wake of the top half, but we can’t just let her get away with it.

It’s almost too understated considering the rest of the garment. Go big or go home.

This look is a mish-mash of classic tacky, but done tacky and not right. And if you’re going to do it that way, at least make it look fun.

This looks like no fun. It looks like a statistics text book.

Do fire your stylist, Liz, and hope that in the future someone will send over some nice gowns and not the rejects from the Slutty Prom Catalog.

Loser: Taylor Lautner at the Breaking Dawn Part 2 UK Premier

Is it wrong that I want this photo to be a billboard just so I can spray paint the word NO in letters as high as a skyscraper on it?

I get it. I’m sure there are people screaming from the rooftops that homeboy here looks fly.

But, does he really?

The suit is so fitted it’s a wonder he can manoeuver around without toppling over. The color is close to indigo denim.

And he’s wearing the tightest, most chest-exposing black V-neck t-shirt known to human kind.

The only positive thing I can really say is that I admire his commitment to ensuring his chin point and V-neck t-shirts are perfectly aligned.

I mean, look at that precision. They match up perfectly.

Taylor looks tiny too, like the groom topper on a Jersey Shore wedding cake. Oh Taylor.

Once Twilight is gone we’ll likely never see you again. Or at least we’ll expect you to look like a washed up dude striving for relevance by showing off your talents a.k.a. your sculpted body.

It’s ok. Just soak in these moments before it’s all over.


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