Now that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have made themselves a baby, it’s time to think about the future of that baby.
(Aside: Are we really going to use Kimye? Because it’s really annoying and kind of hard to say so I’m going to go with Kardashian-West because it kind of makes it sound like they’re some fancy international jet-setters)
Barely even a glimmer in Kim’s uterus and this thing already has so much going on in its life. The father of this child has been wearing some fine skirts and terrifying feathered masks.
The mother of this child has been doing pretty much nothing but tweeting and shopping, like usual.
Now, here’s a sort of interesting fact, if you find it interesting that famous people have babies: Baby Kardashian West is due right around the time that Baby Royal is due.
Yes, the spotlight in celeb-baby world will be shared by the offspring of Kim and Kanye and Prince William and Duchess Kate.
Two big families! Two babies! So many headlines and authorized photographs of newborns to come!
How will these two crazy kids being popped out fare against each other? We shouldn’t care, but we do because we’ve decided to be a part of this crazy ride called celebrity watching.
And we all know that none can compete with Blue Ivy Carter as she is the supreme ruler of celebrity offspring and in the future probably the rest of the world as well.
Pitted against each other in a baby battle, here are Baby Kardashian-West vs. Baby Royal!
Baby Kardashian-West: Is Botox a toy? I don’t know. But surely this kid’s gonna be driving around in a Benz Big Wheel and playing plastic surgery with her cousins in a custom playroom full of the latest gadgets.
Baby Royal: If my extensive study of British movies about children have taught me anything it’s that either this child is going to enjoy a whimsical fun time with a magical nanny, riding carousels and flying in beds, or will spend its days petting Corgis and doing grammar exercises.
Let’s hope for the former, although I feel there’s going to be fewer toys in the life of Baby Royal and a lot more wave-training.
Winner: Baby Kardashian-West. This kid will want for nothing and will have several nannies to provide it at all hours of the day and night.
Clothes are possibly more important than toys. At least to the discerning celebrity baby.
These are the outfits that will be photographed and sold. To compete with movers and shakers like Suri Cruise and Harper Seven Beckham these new tots will need to have some serious swag game.
Baby Kardashian-West: Both West and Kardashian have their own clothing lines and surely this child will be outfitted in bling, shiny accessories and studded baby-sized sneakers.
As well, lots of tight-fitting designer clothing, spandex and fur, feathers and lots and lots of impractical white garments adorned with sharp accents that will surely mess that wee child up. No sharp objects near the offspring!
Baby Royal: School uniforms, pea coats, corduroy trousers and cozy jumpers over collared oxford shirts, wee socks, plaids, wool, sweet buttons and knitted caps!
I can just imagine the classic style this baby, born of royalty and the fashionable Kate, will be sporting every day. Such darling cuteness. Oh and cardigans. So many cardigans.
Winner: Baby Royal. British children in their cords and cardigans will look adorable, but will also be comfortable to a degree that the pain-for-fashion Baby Kardashian-West will be begging for.
Both families are known for their famous Christmas cards that are sent out “privately” but inevitably end up on the internet. I can only speculate on how these cards will look, so let me do just that.
Baby Kardashian-West: The past few years the Kardashian Khristmas Kards have been some of the most un-intimate affairs of all time. Ostentatious gowns and catalog poses on elaborate staircases.
In honor of this new child I imagine a Kardashian Christmas tree/pyramid, all the family decked out in shining cocktail dresses and suits like holiday ornaments, with Baby Kardashian dressed at Jesus at the top of the pile shining down decked out in a festive disco ball.
Baby Royal: Often these photos are from an event earlier the same year. A wedding shot, a jubilee, some fancy affair that everyone has seen every photo from in Hello Magazine.
We can only hope they’ll take this to a nice portrait studio, but I envision a zoom in on a wide shot of them at some far flung royal wedding, their wee tot in a pram, barely visible.
Winner: Baby Kardashian West. Yeah, it’s crazy and over the top, but that’s always more fun to look at.
Famous families are an important part of a new celebrity baby’s life. Both are well known, but who is going to give the tot a better life experience?
Baby Kardashian-West: Almost exclusively fame whores who don’t seem very bright, which we know based on their numerous television programs.
Baby Royal: Well educated people, and one wild ginger uncle.
Winner: Baby Royal. She’ll get a much more balanced life experience with Prince Harry in her life next to the stuffiness of the rest of the Windsor clan.
This is the toughest category. First babes for both sets of parents and we don’t know too much about their styles. Let’s see how they’ll stack up.
Baby Kardashian-West: Kim is an aunt and therefore has at least had some experience being near babies and children. However, the photos of her with her niece and nephew always appear like ads for designer handbags with the child as the high-end merchandise.
Kanye, an only child and a pretty selfish dude, has said he’s had to adjust to the big Kardashian Klan. The guy is used to getting whatever he wants and being alone when he wants.
The image of Kanye West holding a baby terrifies me. What if he thinks it’s an awards trophy and starts thrusting it around!?
Baby Royal: The private royals are more of a mystery. And somehow that already makes them seem like better parents. Without all the shilling and posing, they’ll have time to spend with the newborn heir.
Winner: Baby Royal. We know these children will be raised by nannies and yet I still think the nannies hired by Will and Kate will far surpass the nannies hired by Kanye and Kim.
Baby Royal will clearly be the superior child, based on parentage. However, Baby Kardashian-West will clearly be in our faces more and will dominate our attention.
So this is a draw.
Even if Baby Royal is the winner, Baby Kardashian-West will try and steal the spotlight.
It’s in her blood. And good luck to you, BKW. You’ll need a lot of it.