God Bless America (and nobody else)
I sit typing this in the dining room of a "natural" food store on Interstate Avenue in Portland, Oregon. Minutes ago, I took the train to the Rosa Parks Station, hopped off, sat down, and fired up my laptop.
Why did I come here?
Well, it's not just for the ridiculously overpriced "natural" food, that's for sure. I am here because my Overdrive modem gets a great 4G signal, the store is right beside the train station, and there is a little cafe in the back where bedheaded fruitcakes like myself are free to blog about the superiority of Apple products for hours.
There is another reason as well.
The primary reason that I sit here in the fine state of Oregon is because I am trying to open an online gaming account, and it's a Class C felony to do so in the State of Washington. The exact penalty for said crime is a $10,000 fine and up to 5 years in prison. This puts it in the same league as possession of heroin and child pornography.
"Gee Rex, you crossed state lines just to open an online gaming account? I live in Washington State and I've been playing online for years you big twat."
Yeah, well, what can I say. I have an aversion to sitting in a locked cage with some guy's dick up my ass. It's the main reason that Steve Wynn broke up with me.
For those who are not aware, however, I am not kidding about the online gambling penalties. There are 28 casinos in the State of Washington. Washington State has a state lottery. Since I moved to the Northwest, I've been bombarded with casino and gambling ads, billboards, television commercials, ads and wraps on buses ... at times it seems like everyone in Washington is encouraging me to gamble.
If I go to an Indian card room just a few miles from my home and lose every penny I have to my name, it is 100% legal. Yet, if I go home, fire up my web browser, and play one hand ... ONE HAND of Texas Hold'em in an online casino ... I'm a felon.
Think about that. Now, think about it some more.
If this law makes sense to you, congratulations ... you are a 98er. You're the very reason that the United States has devolved into a conglomerate of 50 Banana Republic police states which exists to do nothing more than trade your rights for cash to the highest bidder.
You are the very reason that legislators across the nation have no qualms about passing laws which are clearly hypocritical and ridiculous. They are aware that you are either too stupid to notice, or too engaged in beer and Monday Night Football to give a shit. It's been said that people get the government that they deserve, but since 98ers are the majority, those with IQs of 100 or greater never get the government they deserve. Instead, we get your dog dick government, and we are helpless to do anything but sit back, watch, and pen angry screeds on web pages because it's mildly more productive than putting a bullet in our temporal lobes.
Since most people are of average to below-average intelligence, these are the people at whom most laws are aimed, and these are the people who elect the people who make the laws.
But wait, there's more. Not only is it illegal to gamble online in the State of Washington, it's also illegal to even WRITE about online gambling in that state. Once again, I am not being facetious. Check out this article in the Seattle Times.
In the State of Washington, you are not allowed to author a website which can be construed as "promoting" online gambling. This almost certainly violates the 1st Amendment, but as we all know, in 2010, the Bill of Rights is about as valid as the brown Picassos we leave behind on the Charmin after a particularly inspired Taco Bell-fueled megashit.
The terrorists didn't win, we beat ourselves.
Even though the inability to gamble online really is a minor inconvenience and of no consequence in the grand scheme of things, in my opinion, it helps to illustrate a larger point. The point is that the "freedoms" supposedly enjoyed by Americans is nothing more than propaganda to keep 98ers fat and happy as they shove another Big Mac into their faces, drink another beer, light up another cigarette, and rail against the unhealthful evils of "drugs".
Honestly, what "freedoms" do Americans have that people in Sweden do not have? Are people in the Netherlands really more oppressed than we are? If so, in what way?
If the citizens of those countries can use their own money to play online slot machines, and we cannot, what exactly is the rationale that we Americans use to explain this?
People in the USA have one freedom, and one freedom only. The freedom to do as they are told. They are free to do whatever the government allows them to do, and nothing more. Any activity not explicitly allowed by the government usually requires that citizens ask permission (obtain a permit), and the government almost always exchanges this permission for a fee.
We currently have more laws on the books than any other nation on Earth, and we have (by far) a higher percentage of our population incarcerated than any other country. When you take into account the number of our people who are involuntarily locked in steel cages (the very antithesis of freedom), the fact is that we are the least free industrialized nation in existence.
Think about it -- if I write ... WRITE about playing online poker from anywhere in the State of Washington, whether I actually play or not, it is a felony. If I play a single hand of Twenty Five Cent Blackjack online, I can be locked in a cage for 5 years. This sounds like really bad anti-Chinese propaganda, but in the USA, it's reality.
This is your country, my friends. This is what happened while you were watching Jerry Springer and obsessing over The Bachelor. This is what voting for Democrats and Republicans all of your life has gotten you.
I count myself as one of the more lucky Americans, though. I'm 42. It's more than halfway over for me. Statistically, in 30 years, I'll be a decomposing corpse buried in an overpriced coffin that some scam artist "salesman" will have swindled my family into buying. I'm sure his buddies will high-five him as he regales them with the story of how he convinced my grieving widow to buy the "Deluxe Package" for $10,000 which included nothing more than a two dollar pillow from Target. Deception-for-profit will never be outlawed in this country, for if it were, our entire sham economy would collapse under the weight of the fine print that accompanies every American product and service. In just a few decades, the people you morons elect won't be able to do anything to me except to suck my rotting, worm-riddled dick.
Now if you will excuse me, I've got an important letter to finish.
My name is Rex and I've been a huge fan for years.
Sure, hockey sucks balls, your currency looks like it was designed by Walt Disney, your beer tastes like moose piss, your people have the most annoying accents on the planet, and you still recognize the stupid English Monarchy ... but at least you don't let your people die in the streets because they don't have health insurance and you won't subject me to forcible sodomy simply because I like to play $1/$2 No Limit on my MacBook while waiting for my morning bowel movement.
If you have room for one more misanthropic blogger with chronic depression and a hilariously undersized penis, please consider my enclosed application for permanent residency.
Very Truly Yours,
P.S. Alanis Morissette is the greatest singer ever. I really liked that whole "go down on you in a theater" thing.
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