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Emotional Rampage! The FIrst-Annual Popped Oscar Predictions

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Most media outlets present their Oscar predictions with serious thought.

They make their choices based on rigorous research, analysis of who’s won awards on the road to the “big one” and what they determine to be talent and ability.

At Popped, we are not about that

Sure, we like talent and ability. But we’re about judging things a little differently.

Desires. Dreams. Weird grudges. Strange feelings. These are the things most important when discussing awards.

In the week leading up to next Sunday’s telecast it’s time to take a look at the who, why and what in the world of nominees.

Time to let our emotions run rampant in the first annual Popped Oscar Predictions!

Best Supporting Actor

Argo Alan Alda

Silver Linings Playbook Robert De Niro

Lincoln Tommy Lee Jones

The Master Philip Seymour Hoffman

Django Unchained Christoph Waltz

Eye-Roll Win: Tommy Lee Jones.

He might end up taking the top prize, and if he does it will be met with heavy sighs and lots and lots of terrified faces staring into the dark abyss of his eyeballs and his scowling visage.

Honestly, can this guy just chill out for one minute!

He is a rich, rich, rich millionaire who can do whatever he wants. Please give a sense of humor instead of an award.

Will Probably Win: Christoph Waltz.

This guy is just made for awards. He’s charming and he can speak many languages and the Academy loves them some charming foreign actors who come and churn out enticing performances.

Should Win: Robert De Niro.

The guy has been making terrible comedies and even worse dramatic/action/thrillers and we should reward him for not doing that in Silver Linings Playbook and hope to God he’ll go back to making great movies again and maybe work with Scorsese or something because enough is enough.

Best Supporting Actress

The Master Amy Adams

Lincoln Sally Field

Les Miserables Anne Hathaway

The Sessions Helen Hunt

Silver Linings Playbook Jacki Weaver

Eye-Roll Win: Anne Hathaway

Lord knows I love this lady, but honestly. There will be mucho eye rolling when she steps up to the mic and delivers another of her super awkward speeches.

The good news is that this will be her last acceptance speech of the year.

Will Probably Win: Anne Hathaway.

Yup. This is a foregone conclusion. I bet the Oscar voters are on autopilot with this one and somehow her name is in the ether and their ballots are already have a checkmark next to her name just by thinking it.

No one is going to touch her. She is the only thing keeping the dream someone dreamed of Les Miserables winning Oscars alive.

Should Win: Anne Hathaway.

She’s come so far! She sang! She played a prostitute! She made her body and face look insane! This is all one needs to know. Singing prostitute roles that involve some ugly acting are the key to shiny awards.

Best Actor

Silver Linings Playbook Bradley Cooper

Lincoln Daniel Day-Lewis

Les Miserables Hugh Jackman

The Master Joaquin Phoenix

Flight Denzel Washington

Eye-Roll Win: Bradley Cooper

Look, people can try and argue otherwise, but I’m not letting this The Hangover douche win any awards.

He made his disgusting douchebag bed and he has to sleep in it forever without winning any awards. Those are the rules!

Some people can overcome their douche roles and some can’t, and even though Cooper is great in this movie no awards for him! Ever!

Will Probably Win: Daniel Day-Lewis

DDL is the champ of the Oscars. He deserves to win all the time now, because there was that one year when he was nominated for Gangs of New York and the lanky Adrien Brody won and then he made out with Halle Berry on stage and it was awkward and uncalled for on all fronts.

DDL would never do such a thing. He’s just not like that.

Should Win: Joaquin Phoenix

If they give this to Joaquin he will be super weird about it and there is already enough normal stuff happening.

I mean, this could be his next “art project” with Casey Affleck and then next year they can come back and win for Best Documentary Short Subject.

Best Actress

Zero Dark Thirty Jessica Chastain

Silver Linings Playbook Jennifer Lawrence

Amour Emmanuelle Riva

Beasts of the Southern Wild Quvenzhané Wallis

The Impossible Naomi Watts

Eye-Roll Win: Quvenzhané Wallis

Look, this kid is great in Beasts of the Southern Wild, but she is a child and inexperienced and frankly, there be some older ladies on this list and they have been working like nobody’s business to get up to that podium and this wee pup will get her chance again one day.

Will Probably Win: Emmanuelle Riva

This woman has been playing her own game for years now. She gives great quotes and at 85 years old the Academy is going to want to reward her for being a badass her whole career.

You go, Emmanuelle Riva.

Should Win: I gotta be honest, all these ladies are pretty great. I can’t play favorites.

But Jennifer Lawrence would probably deliver the most entertaining speech, so she should win so we can all be entertained. We deserve it.

Best Director

Amour Michael Haneke

Beasts of the Southern Wild Benh Zeitlin

Life of Pi Ang Lee

Lincoln Steven Spielberg

Silver Linings Playbook David O. Russell

Eye-Roll Win: Steven Spielberg

If this award were for most naps induced by a movie, then fine, he could be the champion, but otherwise just go away and stop making this garbage.

Unless you’re going to give us more E.T./Close Encounters of the Third Kind, then continue.

Will Probably Win: Steven Spielberg

Because the universe is against me and my happiness!

Should Win: Ben Affleck

Ha ha! I know he’s not nominated but how fun would a write-in vote win be? Totally fun.

Best Picture

Amour

Argo

Beasts of the Southern Wild

Django Unchained

Les Miserables

Life of Pi

Lincoln

Silver Linings Playbook

Zero Dark Thirty

Eye-Roll Win: Django Unchained

This would be rewarding Tarantino for being a total douche all the time. He needs to learn some lessons before he takes on another oppressed minority and makes their tragedies into comedies with gun violence.

Will Probably Win: Argo

I know I said I wouldn’t play this game, but this little number has been sweeping elsewhere and there’s no reason to think it won’t take home the trophy on Oscar night.

Should Win: Les Miserables

I just want to see the whole cast storm the stage and turn it into a barricade and launch into Do You Hear The People Sing? Because let’s leave on a high note, and also some baritone notes too.

Musical humor!


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