El Pollo Loco

11 Jul 2010 | 15:22

My poker "career" has been taking quite the beating lately.

Be it online or in real life, I am getting hammered left and right.


Take yesterday for instance.  I was playing a cash game in a popular brick-and-mortar poker room and I was getting blinded down or calling and flopping crap every time.  Finally, out of frustration, I just wanted to win one hand ... any hand.

I got A-K spades in the pocket, pushed all-in just to take the blinds, and I got one caller.  I figured that my opponent had a large pair, and I was ready to take my beating like a man.

Imagine my surprise when he flipped his cards over to reveal 10-4 offsuit.

I was instantly pissed. 

Who, besides a deaf and dumb orangutang, goes in with 10-4 offsuit?

Of course, I knew what was going to happen, and it did.  Every time some dipshit plays like a analmonkey, I get cremated.

One spade hit the board, but no Ace or King did.

A ten hit the board though.  A rat bastard mother*****g 10.  Of course it hit.  Why in the hell wouldn't it?  I have to earn every penny I make in poker because I sure as hell don't have even an ounce of luck.

Now, when someone beats me, I usually just congratulate them and defer, but I'm not in a good headspace right now.  I'm irritable.

As my opponent was stacking my chips in front of him, I informed him than he was a banana hammock on the sweaty gonads of life.  Yes, in those words.  I'm not proud of it, but I did it.

One or two people laughed, but fortunately (I suppose), Johnny F'ing Chan just gave me a quizzical look.  He didn't know what a "gonad" was, let alone a "banana hammock".  This removed my guilt.  If you insult a 98'er, and he doesn't know that you insulted him, are you still an asshole?  I say no.

If you have a playable hand and you beat AK suited, the more power to you.  I'm aware that it's a dangerous starting hand ... but 10-4 offsuit?  REALLY?

I blew it big time this weekend, and I suppose I have nobody to blame but myself.  I should have known better.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I've lost twice as many hands to hideous noobs than I have lost to experienced players.  Sure, these same people sometimes pay me off when I have a monster hand, but actually trying to play against them using conventional wisdom is a losing proposition for me.

"Don't let A-K hang out there, you've got to bet it to narrow the field."

This does not apply to me.  Some baloney pony will call and draw out on me with rags every damn time.  This is exactly why I tend to be patient and play only very premium hands (QQ+) or wait until I have an overwhelming hand to raise.  Statistics do not apply to me.  If I don't have the nuts on the flop, then I am a successful TV show and my opponent is Ted McGinley.  I'm going to be ruined.

Since I am already in a fetid mood and prone to ranting, please allow me to address one more topic that was brought up in my forums yesterday.

Dear Poker Players of America,

Please, for the love of all that is good and holy ... PLEASE stop saying "winner winner chicken dinner".

I don't even know what it means.  What I do know is that it sounds like something a third grader made up in the school cafeteria one day, and I cannot believe that it has been a staple at adult poker rooms for the last 5 years.

Guys, please, make up your own original sayings.

Banana hammock on the sweaty gonads of life is certainly neither clever nor interesting, but goddammit, it's mine.  Like it or not, at least I am giving people something they have not heard before.  I don't premeditate anything.  I make up things on the spot, and I take a risk and say them.  More often than not, I get dirty looks, but I would rather people hate me for what I am than like me for something I'm not, and what I am not is easily amused that I guffaw over the "chicken" line day after day.

I am aware that "winner winner chicken dinner" is the low-risk way to elicit approval from the table, but is that how you want to roll?

Good god, man, do your own thing. 

Get up from the table, and do a little dance when you win.  Shout "I love fecal matter!" when the table folds around to you.  Congratulate your opponents by exclaiming "You sir, have the monstrous taliwhacker of a Mexican beer-drinking donkey!"

Do something, anything, besides yelling "winner winner chicken dinner".

Or, just say "congratulations" and shut the F up if your originality ends there.

I thank you, and the poker playing community at large thanks you.

 

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