To the dismay of many tweens (and the glee of others) the story broke this weekend that Justin Bieber and his girlfriend, Selena Gomez, broke up after dating for a few years.
Which is, like, one million in teen-dating years.
Reportedly Selena is the one who did the breaking up, so naturally she is still public enemy number one for many of those aforementioned tweens.
The hashtag, #MissionHappyBieber, was created to try and cheer up the pop star.
Surely his money, cars, mansions, celebrity friends and freedom to fly across the globe and basically acquire anything to his heart’s content wasn’t enough cheering.
Boy needed a hashtag from his obsessive followers.
Though apparently he was cheating on his girlfriend with a Victoria Secret model (or at least hanging out with her 20 seconds after the break up), fans are still feeling sorry for the child millionaire.
At only 18 years old, Bieber is a wee one, to say the least.
Selena was two years his senior -- not a cougar by any stretch -- but with a few years on her boyfriend she was still the older woman.
Beliebers are a steadfast and hysterical bunch. But they're also hopeful.
Their cries of “Me, pick me!” into the universe were loud and clear.
In their hearts they long for their one true pop star-love to love them in return. No one is good enough for the beloved Biebs.
Still, someone's going to get in his pants.
Here’s a list of potential new girlfriends for Justin. And a rating for just how much this will or won’t anger his fanatical Beliebers.
1. Demi Moore
After her marriage to Ashton Kutcher it’s obvious that Demi is an expert at dating younger men.
Though they’ve now separated, she spent a good 8 years with a man 16 years younger than herself.
Moore had a breakdown in January 2012 and spent time in rehab. She’s also been shunned by her daughters for her recent behaviour.
But what better way to get your young daughters to respect and love again than by dating the most popular kid in the world?
Belieber freak-out rating: 8 Bieber bangs out of 10.
Surely this pairing would send Beliebers over the edge of sanity. At 50 she’s old enough to be his grandmother.
2. Cameron Diaz
Another older woman? Absolutely.
Cameron Diaz is no slouch in the realm of dating big-name celebs.
Diaz dated another pop star who was younger than her and also named Justin -- Justin Timberlake, of course, who’s nine years her junior.
Though their relationship fizzled and he went on to marry the bland piece of toast crust known as Jessica Biel, they were pretty hot during their time together.
Cammie’s got the energy and love of “youthful” endeavours to appeal to the Biebs.
In interviews she’s revealed her love of surfing, eating Fatburgers and other fast food, dancing, her love of football and watching sports.
Girl’s also been known to smoke weed and drink beer.
She might pull Bieber into a mellower, more chill mode.
Belieber freak-out rating: 5 Bieber bangs out of 10.
Sure, she’s twice his age, but there’s something sassy and fun about Cameron that makes me think Beliebers won’t harsh her buzz.
3. Tallulah Willis
Demi’s not the only one who could have game.
Yes, Bruce Willis and Demi Moore’s youngest daughter might bring some of her parent’s celeb game to a relationship with young Justin.
She’s also the same age as him, thereby removing any awkward age-inappropriateness talk.
Earlier this year it was rumoured that she has posed for some topless photos. Luckily, the scandal petered out and the photos were never sold.
Aside from that almost-nude kerfuffle there’s been very little of her in the public eye.
Which might be just what Justin needs in a new girlfriend -- someone who doesn’t have anything to promote.
Bieber’s squeaky clean image could use some of the edgier scandal of the Willis-Moore magic.
Belieber freak-out rating: 7 out of 10.
She’s young, sure, but she’ll be accused for being famous for being the off-spring of a famous person.
And I can’t imagine the Beliebers will be stoked on the daughter of legendary older lady getting with their boy,
4. Dakota Fanning
Also the same age as Bieber, Fanning is the opposite of her 18-year-old-fake Bachelor-style competition, Tallulah.
She’s all about the art.
Dakota's been in show business most of her life -- a serious actress in a world of teeny-boppers.
Her intelligence and thoughtful demeanour would be a huge departure for the Biebs after dating his top 40, Disney-fied previous girlfriend.
Perhaps he’ll start writing edgier material, making concept albums and publishing books of poetry and being invited to speak on NPR and Charlie Rose.
Now that would be news.
Belieber freak-out rating: 4 out of 10
I don’t think the Beliebers operate on anything below a 4 on their rage scale.
But Dakota is likely someone they looked up to and loved as even younger girls.
She might get a pass, but she’d better not hurt him or cue another hashtag of happiness support.