There’s going to be a new cop show on A&E.
Well, when isn’t there a new cop show?
But here’s the thing. The thing about cop shows is that there are a lot of cop shows.
Usually there’s some gimmick thrown in to draw some interest -- a special skill, a tragic flaw, a busted element that makes the protagonist great at being a cop but is also damaging to his personal life and career.
The new Those Who Kill will star indie darling and hipster-wear afficionado, Chloe Sevigny.
Chloe of small films and Big Love fame. And an incident of full-on fellatio in the name of acting fame.
No one can say the woman isn't dedicated to her craft.
The Surpising Thing is Chloe Sevigny. The Rest, Not So Surprising
Those Who Kill is billed as a show about a female detective who hunts serial killers.
A broken woman with baggage and emotional problems and is pretty much the exact stereotype of a pathos-laden, crime-show lead.
She’s not the obvious choice for a cop show. That’s the surprising thing here.
At no point have I ever thought, "man, Chloe Sevigny would be great in a show about solving murders.’
While Sevigny will play a cop with severe baggage (another typical trope that when done well reaches The Wire heights and when done poorly is barely recognizable), wouldn’t it be more fun if she was turning the cop show on its head?
As a public service, her are some head-turning ideas to actually make this new, Chloe Sevigny cop show something different.
1. Chloe Sevigny: Mall Cop
She can still hunt down serial killers, but instead she does it as a small-time mall cop instead.
Each season she deals with one serial killer. The Food Court Killer, the Fitting Room Strangler, the Parkade Puncher-to-Death, the Orange Julius Poisoner.
With her demanding stay-at-home husband always on her back, and her old flame working at Banana Republic across from the sunny atrium, she’s got her hands full in life and work!
I wish so hard this show was about a mall cop.
2. Chloe Sevigny: Dog Cop
Keeping in line with the long tradition of the police procedurals, the dog show and, of course, the were-animal trend, here comes Dog Cop!
Chloe Sevigny plays a lead investigator in the Midwest, searching for the serial killer that also took the life of her beloved dog.
The strange thing is: ever since that day, she can turn into a dog!
Yes, playing into many current trends, this crime show revolves around a cop with the ability to transform into a golden retriever.
Yes, she has the abilities of both dog and human. But sometimes it’s hard to find relevant clues and sort through the transitional muck and make sense of those clues when you’re sniffing the butt of the other officers.
Does she have real feelings for her boss, Sergeant Myers? Or does his butt just smell really, really good to dogs?
3. Chloe Sevigny: Hipster Cop
A young woman is fired from her job as a part-time art gallery assistant/DJ.
On her way home from shopping in an exclusive sewer-level boutique (to ease her stress), she witnesses a murder.
But she can’t quite see through her heavy bangs and new, totally-in-style non-wedding, decorative facial veil.
Intrigued by the shoes of the unique murderer (she’s never seen anything like them) she stops to get a coffee and then calls the police to the scene of the crime.
They dismiss her shoe obsession, but she knows it’s the key to something.
Like the murder, but maybe also, her heart.
4. Chloe Sevigny: Glee Cop
Unlike the failed Cop Rock, this musical will be great.
It will feature all original songs about a damaged detective solving serial murders.
Killers will belt ballads. Police will dance to elegant choreography.
Stephen Sondheim will write the songs, and Chloe Sevigny will sing them with feeling.
5. Chloe Sevigny in Those Who Kill With Kindness
It's a comedy about a grumpy detective who can’t quite seem to make friends... until she gets a new partner that is.
She's a kind, fun-loving gal who tries to push Chloe out of her comfort zone. While they solve some of New York’s most gruesome murders, they also bond.
They skip work to watch movies, get takeout and watch each other grow as human beings.
There are shopping montages and makeovers. There are late-night phone calls and dates gone wrong.
Also, it turns out her partner is the serial killer they’ve been hunting.
But she likes her so much that they just end up staging murders so they can continue to work together. Like good girlfriends do.