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Casting 50 Shades of Grey



A very important book is gearing up to become a very important movie.

And when I say important I mean in that the chronology of this page-to-screen endeavor is going to be as pervasive as a Kardashian and no one with WiFi will be able to ignore it and therefore it will dominate and conquer.

Despite the current lack of director or screenplay everyone is speculating on who will appear in Fifty Shades of Grey.

Producers are gearing up to cast the leads in an adaptation of the book that made women buy books with lots of sloppily written BDSM sex scenes in them -- basically the book that busts fantasy virginity wide open.

The popularity of the books is both not surprising and surprising and troubling. Between these covers is something along the lines of erotica and romance.

Because there is nothing more romantic than losing your virginity to a tormented, one-dimensional rich dude.

It’s like a modern day fairy tale -- except for the fact that there's nothing modern about any of the ideas or characters. But they do have cell phones.

This is the Most Important Casting of Our Time

This is a book that comes with baggage. The baggage of being a bestseller, the baggage of being full of sex and the baggage of being really polarizing.

Plus the added baggage of being dubbed “clunky prose” by many a reviewer.

Each sentence is composed using a bullwhip coated in Cheez Whiz. And for books where each word is not very important, these sure have a hefty page count.

Skimming can sub in for reading these and there’s no reading guide at the end to quench your burning desire for more in-depth discussion.

This is the most important casting of our time. This builds on the momentum and the heavy lidded virginity-busting of Twilight.

When the actors cast in this movie get on set they’ll be doing a lot more than staring with painful longing at each other.

Clothes stripped, flesh exposed, panting, moaning, spanking and more, these actors will be more exposed in the fleshly body department than an emotional one.

Someone Who’s Got Cheeseball Acting Down to a Dirty Science

Casting could be tricky.

The goal should be to get someone who’s got cheeseball acting down to a dirty science. A young, teen drama or soap opera star or a Disney girl who doesn’t really have a lot at stake as she ages because she can’t be a virginal vagina-less character forever.

Young actors grow up. They watch student health videos to learn about body changes and STIs and then one day their bodies do change and they become hormonal people and grow up to be not teens and have to get jobs.

Not every actor can be original recipe 90210 and pretend to be a 30-year-old high school junior.

Selena Gomez is a Disney sensation, is “dating” Justin Bieber, is young and fresh and looks like a kewpie doll made flesh.

She is attractive and doe-eyed and knows how to act as big as possible. The Disney school of acting teaches extreme facial expressions like no other.

Gomez would kill the overly exuberant lines of self and sexual discovery with astonishing camp and verve. The dialogue gems in the book

Bieber’s people are probably her biggest obstacle.

No doubt the marketed as Christian singer and his team don’t want to sexify their little moneymaker. But the love of Gomez-Bieber is not meant to last.

This little fling is a nice publicity gig, and the break-up would only fuel more interest in the flame of her celebrity ... make her turn as a sexual human into big news.

Cindy Lou Who Are You Getting Tied Up With

Taylor Momsen could potentially use the opposite treatment.

Instead of trying to adultify her image, she could refresh as the lead in this crazy little thing called Fifty Shades of Grey.

She’d bring an edge and vulnerability and also her dramatic chops from being a child actor. Cindy Lou Who are you getting tied up with now?

Dialed back she could become the ideal Anastasia Steele. A wide-eyed virgin with something knowing behind her innocence.

Anyone who saw her transformation from spindly new girl with no friends and a too-big uniform to the bitchtacular new queen bee with a chip on her shoulder on Gossip Girl could tell she’s made for over the top foolery.

If the Pretty Reckless front-woman decides she wants to give up her new venture as rock star this might be the perfect vehicle to re-launch her acting career.

She’s already cultivated a reputation for herself as a someone who wants to be perceived as a bad-ass, who knows how to give bitch face. Someone who wants people to think she’s hard core.

Usually covered in black lipstick, eyeliner and nail polish she resembles a frothier version of the 90s riot grrrls.

Emma Watson: Not Touching it with Ten-Foot Pole

There are lots of people who should not be offered the part and if offered should decline and run screaming to St. Bart’s for a nice celeb vacay.

Elizabeth Olsen, who is just good at acting and should not have her work sullied in this kind of ball-busting (terrible BDSM joke, but I can’t get rid of it now because it’s alive) acting experience.

And, thankfully, it was officially announced that Emma Watson will not be touching this with a ten-foot pole.

Which means no ten-foot wand jokes and Harry Potter puns, but otherwise an ideal outcome.

But, I’ll be happy to watch almost anyone over-enunciate and over-act their way through the movie version of this mommy porn.


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