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Battle Royale of the Trainwreck Stars: Reinventing Nesting TV

amanda bynes

As we approach the darkest days of the year -- when temperatures drop, sunlight hours are scant and our desire to hide and warm ourselves increases, we need to nest.

And as we nest away, this is when it is most important we be entertained. We're starved for quality amusement.

For network execs, this is the time for thinking outside the box. This is the time to test new things on us, pop culture creators, because we’ll probably pay attention.

We’re trapped inside looking for things to do.

Hot Blondes Against Hot Blondes

Reality TV is always pitting people against each other.

Hot blondes against hot blondes. Wily men against wily men.

Bachelorettes against bachelorettes. Douchebags against douchebags.

These battles are fought for our amusement. To observe up close the crusty layer of humanity that fills our pop-culture canon.

“Real people” vying for a win, a prize, a little bit of money and a little more fame.

Instead of relying on unknowns though, (though they often get known, we all know), what would happen if we pitted celebrities against each other in battles for stereotype supremacy?

There are always controversies and arguments bubbling up between celebrities. What if we gave them a forum to hash out their differences?

Here are some potential pop culture battles and how the battles will be won:

Battle of the Serious Redheads

There’s a trend afoot.

Every movie trailer you turn to has the face of a serious dramatic actress gazing back at you.

And these serious women seem to have one thing in common: glorious red hair.

For the newbies, Amy Adams and Jessica Chastain are the frontrunners here.

Those two beat out such famous gingers as Christina Hendricks, who just isn’t well known enough to get in the ring, and Emma Stone, who’s got more comedy under her belt and, frankly, just isn’t taking serious redhead acting seriously.

Adams has more range, appearing in comedies and musicals, but could that work against her? Is she, heaven forbid, not serious enough?

And Chastain’s still working in smaller roles in smaller films, which can be more serious, but aren’t seen by enough people for her serious reputation to be taken as seriously.

Old school serious redheads Julia Roberts and Julianne Moore will factor as well.

These are ladies with years of serious redhead acting experience and they won’t be afraid to use it.

And don’t count out the always irreverent Tilda Swinton. She could dominate with a few flicks of her androgynous red mop.

Battle Arena:  Big name writers and directors will pit the serious redheads against one another in a series of acting battles.

After passing the speed rounds (acting as serious as possible in one-minute increments) and graded by Harvey Weinstein on their performances, they’ll be thrown into a battle royal of serious acting.

They will have to act opposite each other in scene after scene, crying, screaming, looking downcast and emoting like crazy.

After hours in the battle ring, without a green room in sight, the last actor standing and acting seriously will be declared the winner.

Battle of the (Now Oldies) Bands

Classic rock is still going strong. The heart of rock and roll is still beating, if you will, as some white guy said in the early 80s.

And the bands playing that music aren’t hiding away in old folks’ homes.

Aerosmith and the Rolling Stones, for example, are still going strong.

Both have toured pretty extensively in recent years and their thin, grizzled front men are banging out lyrics to hits, old and new, with as much verve as in their heyday.

The remaining members of the Beatles might be no match for the above titans of rock. Ringo isn’t in the spotlight, and Paul is a juggernaut on his own, but could he take down Mick Jagger in a smackdown?

Not likely.

Bruce Springsteen tours regularly and his sold-out concerts and critically acclaimed albums put him ahead of the curve. Could he be the champion?

Battle Arena: Competing concerts of course. Set up concerts on the same night, in the same city, in similar size venues.

Measure ticket sales, t-shirt revenue and any other merch sales accrued.

But that won’t be all. The final test will be tweet counts.

Whichever concert gets the most online mentions will be the supreme rulers of classic rock.

Battle of the Teen Star Trainwrecks

This is a sad one, but true.

It’s happening and it’s not going away. Teen stars, so cute and cuddly and loveable, often suffer mental meltdowns as they reach adulthood.

There are two fierce competitors here, and no one else can match them.

In one corner we have heavyweight, Lindsay Lohan.

She of the never-ending legal battles, car wrecks, thievery charges and the also never-ending horrible parents. She’s a master of creating trouble and adept at getting arrested.

Lindsay may seem like she could walk away with this but she was once a smart young woman.

She could end up losing to her contemporary, Ms. Amanda Bynes.

Bynes is a newbie to the screwing-up-as-adult teen-star game, but she’s learning fast.

Already in numerous car accidents and making claims that she’s retire are clear signs she’s capable of anything and ready to become an ultimate trainwreck.

Battle Arena: A drug-simulated obstacle course.

Both will traverse the course in cars, stopping only to attack paparazzi and stop into shops to steal jewellery.

The contestant with the car full of the most stolen merchandise and the most dents will be declared the winner.

Winner will get comped her next stint in rehab.

A worthy, and appropriate, prize.


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