My experience in Indian local casinos over the past couple of weeks have left me pining for the day when online gambling is legalized not only in Washington State, but in the entire United States. I'm not talking about the psuedo-legalization we have today where you can play as long as it's not funded through certain routes, rather, I am talking about real, regulated, full scale legalization where people can gamble out in the open from any computer or bank account they choose without fear or risk.
Because in my opinion, gambling online is simply the better option, and this time I offer a full 10 reasons to support my hypothesis.
1) No Tipping
Far and away the biggest reason.
Even though I look like a bum, I have always erred on the side of over-tipping when I visit a casino. I'm not sure why, but I think it's part social-awkawrdness, and part feeling badly for someone who actually has to work in a casino.
I tip Blackjack dealers on nearly every natural, and I tend to roll a couple of chips to the Poker dealer even when I only win a small pot pre-flop.
When it comes to gaming, not having to tip will be a huge boon to my bottom line.
2) No Security Guards
This almost made the #1 spot, but missed by a hair.
In my opinion, cop-wannabes are destroying the in-casino experience. Be it a fear of cameras, bottled water, or some other trivial problem ... good god, these people have more issues than Time magazine. At this point, I am just sick of the power trips, and sick of being harassed. I'm sick of security guards, and if I never see another one it will be too soon.
When you play online, the house doesn't care what's in your cup, what's in your back pocket, or what's in your hand.
This is a good thing, because what's in my hand is usually covered below.
3) No Dress Code
I don't like wearing pants.
There, I said it.
I like to rock out with my cock out, and hang out with my wang out.
Most casinos have relaxed dress-codes, but one thing all of them share is a requirement to cover your wiener.
Like feminists and bras, I find this draconian, oppressive, and sexist.
Online casinos do not discriminate based on what one wears, or even if they wear anything at all, and I find this to be liberating.
4) All The Goddamn Profanity You Want
It's always amused me that places which offer gambling and booze have such strict "foul language" rules. I mean, who defines this "foul language" anyway?
Jesus? A pack of nuns somewhere in the bowels of the vatican? Sherman Frederick? How bad can these words be anyway? I mean, not a single one has ever been shown to cause cancer, or even anal warts.
The whole thing is a mystery to me and I've been warned about such language in casinos so many times that I've lost count. Frankly, "bad" words are a part of my vocabulary. They always have been and they probably always will be, and when I am gaming online, I can shout them as often as I wish.
5) Lower Limits/Better Odds
While this can vary from place to place, from what I've seen so far ... online casinos offer better gaming odds and lower limits overall. For a low-roller like myself, this is very attractive. Take my favorite online machine, for example, Reel Gansters ... I can play as little as a penny or as much as $5 per spin. Most casino machines are hardcoded to a specific price.
With 6:5 Blackjack and shortpay Video Poker becoming commonplace on The Strip, online gaming is often a better bang for my buck.
When I am in a brick-and-mortar casino, everything is out of my control. The sounds, the sights, the smells, you pretty much have to take what you are given.
With online casinos, however, the sky is the limit.
Gamble from a public park on a nice day? Yes we can.
Sit beachside at Alki while playing a game of $1/$2 NL? Yes we can.
Play slots during Family Guy commercial breaks? Yes we can.
I like having my choice of atmosphere when I gamble, and internet gaming is the only real place where I have that choice.
7) No Waiting Lists
I hate getting on the waiting list and standing on the rail like I am desperate to get picked for dodgeball. Even when the poker room gives me a pager, it's still a hassle because I never know how much time I will have to do something else. Will I have time to order a slice of pizza? Will I have time to take a whiz ... who knows.
When I'm ready to play, I'm ready to play, and time on the waiting list can quickly get me out of the mood.
Online, the amount of tables is limited only by software and bandwidth.
8) No Commute
Everyone has their own image of what they think hell looks like, and in my opinion, it looks remarkably similar to the Circus Circus parking garage. Actually, if you ask me, all casino parking garages are just awful, awful places.
Factor in drunken street traffic and long trudges through casino interiors and I often get out of the mood to gamble before I even hit the tables.
Online, however, it's flip open the laptop, take care of business, and close it when I'm done. No fuss, no muss.
When you add the cost and time of airfare and hotel rooms to the equation for those who live in remote locales, online gaming is the more practical choice by far.
9) No "Winner, Winner Chicken Dinner"
"A chip and a chair", "I'm gonna pay you off just to keep you honest", "I had to play those cards even though I knew they were losers" ... has anyone come up with a unique poker saying in the last 20 years? If so, I haven't heard it.
Online gambling remedies this situation. It prevents social interaction between you and the guy who dedicates his life to watching ESPN Poker.
If you've spent as much time in poker rooms as I have, this benefit is huge.
Two companies own pretty much all of the Las Vegas Strip, and they both are fairly evil. Even the few alternatives that exist to the main corporate casinos are evil (such as The Wynn). The problem is, the ability to go elsewhere is fading, and fading fast.
It's a different world online, however, where literally scores of casinos compete over your gaming dollar.
I'm a fan of competition, and as casinos continue to consolidate in brick-and-mortar locations, the only true competition that will remain is online.